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More Bird and Parrot Related Jokes

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The Navy Chief and his Parrot
Our Prayers Have Been Answered
Arrested Hiker
Genetically Engineered Dolphins
Thousand Dollar Parrot
Do you have any Mangoes?
Parrot Escape
Speeding Drunk
Brutus
Political Parrot
The Parrot and the Snake
Hit a Big One, Win a Prize!
Parrot's Bad Language
Parrot's Thoughts
The Jewish Parrot
The Oil Tycoon
Heavenly Parrot
Parrot -vs- Leopard
Good Canary Singer
The Parrot and the Pirate
The Ghost Parrot
The Snake and the Parrot
Adrift at Sea
Lost Parrot
Mama's Gifts
Canary Colored Paint
Same Old Customer

The Navy Chief and his Parrot

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille."

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, "If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"

Our Prayers Have Been Answered

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two talking female parrots but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I'll keep them with my two male talking parrots that I've taught to pray and read the Bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that sinful phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship Jesus."

So the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, " Put your Bible away, our prayers have been answered!"

Arrested Hiker

A hiker was trekking through the forest and came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. The bird didn't seem well at all, but the hiker was unable to help. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with "Ill eagle in tree."

Genetically Engineered Dolphin

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Thousand Dollar Parrot

Flip: I just bought a talking parrot for a thousand dollars.

Skip: What does it say?

Flip: "You paid too much! You paid too much!"

Do You Have Any Mangoes?

A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks "Do you have any mangoes?" The shopkeeper says "No. I never have mangoes here."

The next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him "Do you have any mangoes?" He gets a little irritated and says "I told you, I never have mangoes here."

On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him "Do you have any mangoes?" He gets wild and yells "No I don't. If you ask me again, I'll hit you with a hammer!"

The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him "Do you have any hammers?" The shopkeeper says "No." The parrot then asks "Do you have any mangoes?"

Parrot Escape

A woman came to work one morning obviously upset. Her boss asked her what was wrong. She told him that the kids' parrot had gotten out, and they couldn't find the bird.

The boss told her not to worry that the bird would probably come back soon. She replied that she was worried about what the bird might say....the only words it knows are "Here Kitty Kitty."

Speeding Drunk

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brutus

Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!

Political Parrot

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. "Look, comrade, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot... I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."

The Parrot and the Snake

One morning a little blind Eclectus parrot was hopping along the ground, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, "KERPLOP" right on his little beak.

"Oh, Please excuse me!" said the bird. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but you see, I'm blind and could not see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the Eclectus. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bird all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and feathery, and you have a long tail, and a big beak; YOU must be a BIRD!"

The little blind Eclectus was so pleased that he danced with joy. Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"

The snake replied that he didn't know, so the bird agreed to examine HIM, and then the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

The Eclectus replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls--you must be a lawyer!"

Hit a Big One, Win a Prize!

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, "That parrot repeats everything he hears."

"That's alright," the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!"

Then the parrot said, "Shoot him down, shoot him down!"

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, "Pop it up, pop it up!"

The parrot said, "Pop it up, pop it up!"

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, "Hit a big one, win a prize!"

The parrot said, "Hit a big one, win a prize!"

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, "The Lord is above us."

The parrot said, "Shoot him down,shoot him down!"

The minister said, "The devil is below us."

The parrot said, "Pop it up, pop it up."

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said,"Hit a big one, win a prize!"?

Parrot's Bad Language

A Yale English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor that the parrot he purchased used improper language.

"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never know that bird to swear."

"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

Parrot's Thoughts

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do they ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

The Jewish Parrot

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.

"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"

"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.

Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot.

Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray.

Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money.

Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!"

The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre."

"Why? You didn't do anything today!"

"Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

The Oil Tycoon

A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!"

The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys. They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever."

The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, buys the dolphins to give them a suitable home in his backyard. The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived. The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will.

But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue Savannah Parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa. The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots.

They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport.

Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - " The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!" Well, sir, the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises."

Heavenly Parrot

During the Nazi invasion of France, there was a little old lady who owned a parrot. This parrot was trained to say "Death to Hitler!". One day the Gestapo comes into her house and the parrot yells "Death to Hitler!" The Nazi's become furious and tell the little old lady that if by the next time they show up, the parrot isn't reeducated, they will kill both her and the parrot.

So the lady goes to church and explains her situation to her priest, who also owns a parrot. The priest suggests that they trade birds until the next time the Gestapo comes.

The Nazi's come the next day and the parrot just sits there being quiet. Trying to trigger the parrot, one of the Nazis goes up to the parrot and screams "Death to Hitler!"

The parrot peacefully replies: "God WILL hear your prayers, my son."

Parrot -vs- Leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her parrot along for company.

One day the parrot starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The parrot thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the parrot exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That parrot nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the parrot sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that parrot to bits!"

Now, the parrot sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the parrot sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the parrot says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Good Canary Singer

A short elderly woman burst into a pet store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer! I've got good, hard US cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I've been in this business for forty years and the best singer I've ever heard is in that cage."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary, but it's got to be a singer."

By this point, the shop keeper was coming down the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" He placed the cage on the counter and the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed, the woman murmured, "Why, he is a good singer." Suddenly she screamed, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg!"

The pet store owner was unperturbed. "Lady, what do you want, a singer or a dancer?"

The Parrot and the Pirate

The barman was reading his paper in the fishing village pub when in came a weather-beaten pirate with a patch on his eye, a peg leg and a hook for a hand. On his shoulder was a magnificent parrot. As the door closed behind the pirate the parrot flew from his shoulder to perch on back of a nearby chair.

"Don't I recognize you?" said the barman.

"Likely you do. I've been away for many years. I'm Jim," said the man.

"Ah yes Jimmy, good to see you again. What on earth has been happening to you?"

The parrot glided across the bar and settled on the windowsill as Jim paid for his beer. "I was sailing the great barrier reef when I went swimming and got caught by a great white, that's how I lost my leg."

"Terrible" said the barman as the parrot flew up into the beams. "Was that when you lost your arm?"

"No, that happened in the Everglades when I was fishing. I reached in to land my catch and an alligator took my forearm, bit it right off. That's when I got the hook."

The parrot fluttered down to sit on the bar as the barman said, "That's awful. How did you loose your eye?"

"I was sitting in the sun, just getting over that alligator when this bloody parrot flew by and dumped in my eye."

Puzzled, the barman said "But that's not enough to cause you to loose the eye?"

"No, but I wasn't used to the hook yet."

The Ghost Parrot

There was once a pub landlord who had a pet parrot. The parrot used to live in the pub's bar and was much admired by all the regulars.

Unfortunately, one day the parrot was chased out of the pub by a cat and was killed as it flew into the traffic on the busy road outside. The pub landlord was heart broken.

For the following year when the pub was closed, the landlord was sure he sometimes heard his parrot talking to him. A year to the day after the parrot died, the landlord was sitting in his pub after closing time doing the pub's accounts. He looked up and saw the ghost of his dead parrot.

"Hello" said the landlord "what are you doing here"

"I'm a parrot who can't rest" replied the parrot "I can't go to parrot heaven and I've been stuck here as a ghost for the past year"

"What's the matter" asks the landlord "can I help?"

"Well" says the parrot "when I was run over by the traffic outside, my tail came off. I can't go to heaven until my tail is put back on, I've had to carry it with me for the past year. Can you put my tail back on me?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that" replied the landlord "it would be against the law"

"Why would it be against the law?" asked the parrot ghost.

"Well" said the landlord "I'm a licensed pub landlord and it's against the law for me to re-tail spirits after closing time"!!!

The Snake and the Parrot